The Winter Has Been Long

I haven't felt much like writing about myself lately. I'm more liking getting around the wilderness and going to school. There have been many sunny days, but I have found the sunlight depression people claim when the sun hasn't been out for months. My solution to that is clam bakes. Fake-n-bake at the local tanning salon. It has been too cold to spend more than 5 minutes outside for the last 4 months. Sub-zero temperatures in the daytime have been  the norm since December. It's these temperatures that have prevented me from getting sunlight, or feeling like writing. I've joined Facebook and taken pro-active steps toward getting my brain to work on the sunny side of life, but nothing has been working like the tanning beds. I feel much better. I suppose the shock of moving from a big city has something to do with the sadness. It might also have to do with Gracie.

During the last few months, I've learned that my father is allergic to dogs. He never told me he is allergic to them. He never mentioned the runny nose he gets at friends houses. He said he doesn't think about it. BUT when my brother came to visit, rather than telling me that he is feeling sick due to the dog, he tells my brother. When I asked my dad why he let me bring a dog home to his house, and why he chose which dog to bring home, he said it was my lesson to learn. Alright, I am 32 years old and I have learned many lessons including this one: Don't believe your father ever again. He lies.

I looked for many people to take Gracie. I've asked dad to get an allergy shot at his next doctors appointment. Nothing worked. I knew I needed to take her back to the shelter. It was easy. Too easy. I signed papers, brought her in, and while she sniffed around the place, I gave the leash to the workers. She knew. Her tail is usually up above her in a round black curl. Today, it was down on the ground. I wish my dad wasn't such a pushover. I'm not a pusher, and I don't make anyone do anything they don't want to ever. I even ask if someone is okay with something 2 or three times. I give chances like, "are you sure dad?". "we don't have to do this now." "Maybe we could wait a few days or months." Why is he such a pushover. Doesn't want to make waves or cause any kind of conflict for what? So his health can diminish. I have an idiot genius for a father. I told him I would not live with him if the dog had to go. I am leaving. And he will know it was about the dog. If he can teach me a lesson when I'm 32, I can teach lessons to him when he is 75.

I'm getting a bartending job soon while going to school and finding an internship. I'll find a place to live. I won't have a dog, but I'll have sanity around me. Not someone trying to be happy all the time because he thinks that is what people want him to be.

I'm going to find happiness somewhere. Maybe in freedom and liberty there is happiness. I don't want to pay a ton of bills, but obviously he doesn't want or need me here. I try to help him with his diet, and he just eats peanut butter sandwiches even after every meal. I try to remind him to get more sleep or to get more exercise, and he just says, "I know". I'm here for nothing. I'm not much of a help. He can get his friends to help him with the things he wants help with.

Maybe I'm just angry. Maybe it just me and my mood at the moment.  Maybe I just need to get out of this house. Maybe I should stop trying to make excuses for inexcusable behavior and go.

I'll go.