10) I Want to be a Jack Pine Savage

I learned tonight what exactly a Jack Pine Savage is. Three versions of definitions have clarified it for me. One) It is a group of poor people who live off the land out in the country. They don't have jobs or dental insurance. They typically have missing teeth, and will generally pick on city folk. Two) It is anyone who lives in central or northern Minnesota. Three) A Jack Pine Savage is someone who lives in northern Minnesota, and who knows how to live off the land if necessary. I tend to believe the third, and contribute the previous opinions to people who are prejudiced against people who don't smell of high end perfume or shop at Channel, and people who have been accused of being Jack Pine Savages in the past. The accused, I assume, weren't offended, rather they were happy to learn that a stereotype had been created to describe their way of life. In a way, I am on the verge of becoming a Jack Pine Savage myself. I will have chickens and go ice fishing. I got my Minnesota Drivers license in the mail today, and jumped for joy.

This state is magnificent. Bald Eagles, Ospreys, and Vultures grace the sky each day. The moon tonight rose red for a thousand speculations. Small frogs cross the treacherous highway just as I zoom into their view. This evening, Gracie barked for the second time in a month at what sounded like a deer getting stuck in the barbed wire. I'm glad to be a resident here.

I spoke to a friend I've not seen in about 5 years. It was comforting to hear her voice. I suppose the only voice I've heard for these past 5 years was my ex.

He was the only sound that I listened to. All of my opinions were obsolete. He gave me my opinions. If I expressed a belief or a new thought, I was wrong each time because he had the right thought, and told me what my beliefs were. I began to doubt myself many times over during that relationship. I know better. I only hope that more women who are in my position realize what detriment they fall to sooner than I did. I lost myself to him. It happened ever so slowly, and once he learned that he had full control, broke away from the relationship the only way he knew how. Drinking with strangers. I became such an angry monster while he was out. He hooked me, reeled me in, pulled the hook out, and I knew him as my hero until I began to suffocate. This particular breed of man was medically undiagnosed, but I would say narcissistic, verbally abusive, lazy, and hopeless. In other words he had no faith in himself, and needed to control everyone around him so he could find his own sanity. I am not a mental health professional, but I would say that he had ADHD along with everything else. Maybe the ADHD is the cause of the irresponsibility and control issues. If it was, then the man should have gone to get diagnosis, medicine, and then look into natural remedies. I suffered so much for him. He never suffered, but suffered the people closest to him.

As I am getting to know my father again, I'm learning that I did not come from a man who puts any of his burdens on anyone, least of all his own family. That there should have pointed me in the direction of freedom. But it took a larger slap in the face than carrying a simple burden to boost me eastward. Looking back at the mother I was for his children, and the rent I paid with loans, I see that either I was really in love, really stupid, or both. I think I was simply ignorant. I knew the signs, saw them, and heard him discount the actions as things he wants to change about himself. But I never actually saw him make an effort to change any of his horrible habits. Whatever he promised me, however many times, however convincing, it was never enough because he never followed through. Either he forgot, or his word meant nothing to him. However, it meant everything to me, and now I am in Minnesota, living among the Jack Pines and their Savages.

I will learn to garden, farm, raise chickens, and weather well. I want to be a Jack Pine Savage. I might even shoot a deer for food. Grouse hunting season is almost open, and I'd like to learn how to do that too.